How to Choose a Life Coach When You Feel Stuck
If you're looking for a life coach because you feel stuck, start here: choose someone who can help you see the pattern, tell the truth about it, and do something different. Look for someone who models what they teach. Keep your own discernment.
You may already know a great deal about your problem. You can explain it. You can tell someone exactly how you got here. But the same thing keeps happening. At that point, you need help taking what you understand and putting it to work in your life.
Look at how they live what they teach
When I met Cliff, I didn't know how to be a friend, a father, a son, or an employee. I didn't know how to date. I needed someone to model behavior I had never been shown.
He taught me how to make money, and he taught me how to lose money. He taught me how to achieve my dreams, and how to lose them with integrity, grace, and compassion.
That last part matters. How does someone behave when things don't go their way? What happens when they're challenged? Do they keep their agreements? Do they listen, or do they need to be the person who knows everything?
You can begin paying attention to those things in your first conversation. You don't need to know every detail of someone's private life to notice how they treat you.
You never outsource your discernment
A title, a credential, or a polished presentation can get your attention. You still have to look at the person behind it. Ask about their training and experience. Ask what they actually do with someone who brings the kind of problem you're bringing.
And ask where their work ends. Coaching doesn't replace clinical treatment when that's what you need. Someone guiding you should be able to speak plainly about what they can and cannot offer.
If something doesn't fit, say so. You shouldn't have to silence your own voice to get help learning how to use it.
Bring the thing that keeps happening
Be specific. Maybe you get on the phone with a parent and have the same argument you've been having for thirty years. Maybe you know you need to say no, but the request comes and you say yes again. Maybe every simple answer turns into a fifteen-minute deposition.
Bring that into the conversation. Ask, “How would we work on this?”
A useful conversation will help you look underneath the behavior. What are you afraid of? What do you believe will happen if you tell the truth? What are you doing to make the discomfort go away, and what is it costing you afterward?
Then ask what you'd practice. You need something you can take into the next call, the next request, the next ordinary moment of your life.
Expect to go to the gym
If you wanted to learn a martial art, you wouldn't sit on the couch thinking about the movements. You'd find an instructor and train.
The same thing applies here. Understanding a boundary doesn't mean you can hold it yet. Recognizing people pleasing doesn't mean the next no will feel easy. You need guidance, and you need reps.
There is a gap between deciding to change and seeing the change in your life. Give the work time. Also keep asking whether you're receiving useful guidance and putting it into practice.
Look for help that teaches you how to live
One of my early teachers told me I had to learn how to be happy because I wasn't raised in a happy home. He told me I wouldn't recognize a healthy relationship if I were standing right in the middle of one.
He was right.
I needed someone to help me see what I couldn't see. That is what I would look for: someone grounded, honest, and willing to help you become more capable in your own life.
If you want to explore working with me, bring one thing that keeps happening to an introductory conversation. We'll look at it together and see whether my approach fits what you need.
