Why You Over Explain and How to Communicate More Clearly
If every simple answer turns into a long explanation, ask what you're afraid will happen if you just answer. Sometimes people need more information. Sometimes you're trying to prove you're allowed to have an opinion at all.
To stop over-explaining, you have to recognize what the explanation is doing for you. Then practice saying what is true without immediately burying it under a case for why you're allowed to say it.
The fifteen-minute deposition
I worked with a man who couldn't answer a simple yes or no without giving a fifteen-minute deposition justifying his choice.
When we looked at his past, he remembered being a young boy and having his opinions met with, “Shut up, what's wrong with you?”
Think about what he learned. His own voice wasn't safe. An answer could bring disapproval or humiliation. So he learned to explain, justify, and keep explaining.
Decades later, someone could ask him an ordinary question, and that old coping mechanism would take over. He wasn't just answering the person in front of him. He was trying to keep a terrified child from being shut down again.
He had learned that he couldn't trust his own answer. Understanding that gave us somewhere to begin.
What are you trying to make go away?
Notice the moment before the explanation starts. Do you feel criticized? Are you afraid they'll misunderstand you? Does disagreeing feel like something you have to earn the right to do?
Then look at the words. Are you making the answer clearer, or trying to make the fear go away?
You finish one sentence and immediately think of another. Then another. Before long, you're explaining your whole history when the person only asked whether you could come on Saturday.
If that sounds familiar, don't dismiss it as “I'm just a talkative person.” Ask whether this old strategy is actually working. Does it leave you feeling heard, or exhausted from trying to justify yourself?
Practice one honest answer
Start with a straightforward question. Answer it in one clear sentence. If you need time, say, “Let me think about that.” If you can't do something, say you can't.
You still have responsibilities. You still need to give information that matters. But providing information and begging for approval aren't the same experience. Pay attention to which one you're doing.
Try this with someone you can safely practice with. Say one honest need without apologizing or over-explaining. Notice how quickly your mind wants to add the next paragraph.
Stay in the pocket
That uncomfortable moment is the work. You said something reasonable. Now the old belief is telling you to take it back, soften it, or explain it until nobody could possibly disapprove.
Pause. When the situation allows, give yourself sixty seconds before reacting. What are you about to do? Is it necessary, or is it familiar?
You can clarify when clarification is needed. You can also let a clear answer stand. Someone threatening or intimidating you calls for support, rather than simply practicing a shorter answer.
Look at one conversation this week
Write down the question, your answer, and everything you felt you had to add. Where did the answer end and the justification begin?
Ask where you first learned that your voice wasn't enough. Then choose a rep for the next conversation: state your answer, ask for a moment, or say what you need plainly.
If you want help with this, bring that conversation into coaching. We can look at the belief underneath the words and practice a different response. You don't have to keep using an old coping mechanism to answer an ordinary adult question.
